One of the most difficult things in this life is learning to forgive others. When a trusted coworker, close friend or family member betrays us, we are left feeling bereft and alone in our misery. Sometimes we become very angry and want to lash out at the other person; we may lay in bed at night trying to figure out why they did what they did and how we can exact revenge on them so that they hurt as much as we hurt. The ancient idiom “Revenge is sweet” falls both ways…we may momentarily feel a sense of relief and satisfaction when we try to get back at another person, but it rarely lasts for long and can instead cause a lot of collateral damage to our own reputation, persona or even our very soul.
Long-lasting anger can escalate and eventually leads to bitterness and a sour taste, deep down in our spirit. Sometimes we feed and fuel our negative feelings, brooding over what we cannot change. One thing I know for sure is that we can rarely change another person’s behaviour. Only the person involved and/or God can do that. Instead of allowing this root of bitterness to engulf us, I have discovered that it is much better to try to forgive the other person for what they may have done or not done, either intentionally or unintentionally. We also rarely get a true apology from anyone…”Sorry” does seem to be the hardest word in any language! In other words, don’t waste your time waiting for one.
One of the most profound passages in the Bible is when Jesus forgave all of the soldiers, religious leaders, and Jewish people who had led Him to the cross. In the book of Luke, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” No one before or since, has suffered the way that Christ did on the cross for us. A little further along in this passage, the one repentant thief on the cross beside Jesus asked for forgiveness of his sins. Jesus immediately responded “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.” What a remarkable example of how we are meant to forgive others!
Although not one of us can live up to the life of Jesus, we are meant to try to emulate His forgiving spirit. After I discovered that my husband of 31 years had spent a lifetime of lying, cheating and betrayal, it was beyond difficult to even think of forgiving him for all of his many transgressions over the years. His lack of true remorse and ongoing deceitful ways hurt me to the core of my being. It took a few weeks and even months and years before I could contemplate telling him that I had forgiven him. One night on the phone, during a discussion over our impending divorce, I did just that. He thanked me, and that was the end of our “deep” conversation. Once I had made the impossible decision to say the actual words out loud, I found that I slept better at night and could look myself in the mirror once again. As Christians, we are meant to forgive others for their transgressions, no matter what.
There is also the bigger matter of learning to forgive ourselves, which in many ways is even harder to do. For years after I finally left him, I beat myself up, going over and over in my mind all of the red flags that I had missed. How many times did I call myself “stupid”? There were far too many to count. How I wished that I had left him for good, long before I did. I also carried around a lot of guilt over exposing my children to an alcoholic father…but it was much too late to change history. Instead, I apologized to both of my kids and asked for their forgiveness. We all carry around personal scars, but hopefully, we learn from our mistakes. Like the wonderful Christian song says, “Scars are a sign of healing.” And healing is a process that does take time. In the end, we just have to make the decision to forgive.
