Why are we such a judgemental society? It seems that from the first day of kindergarten and onwards, we are not only judging our peers but also being judged by others. My young grandson recently used his sister’s pink headphones in his grade one classroom and was teased by a little girl for “being a girl”. (His own headphones had broken.) It is ingrained in the very fabric of our being to compare ourselves to others. If we are in a better situation or condition than them, our own ego and self-esteem are boosted. If we are found wanting, we often feel “less than” and may feel even worse if we are unfortunate enough to be bullied by other children or looked down upon by some teachers. Those children who are the “have nots” in any area of their young lives, are the most vulnerable to the cruel taunts of other children. They may not wear the best clothes or have the healthiest lunches; worse still, they may have parents who seem inattentive or are not tuned into their needs. They may in fact have no parents at all and live in the social services system. Sadly, the teasing and conformity to societal norms starts early in life.
The put-downs sometimes continue through into adulthood. In fact, I attended a church service a couple of years ago, where the pastor berated my own home town for failing to show a lack of respect and compassion towards his father, who was working there as a newcomer, many years ago. This is an amazing coincidence, considering that I now live several provinces over! I am very aware that this type of discrimination can happen, but to paint an entire town or city as lacking compassion is unfair and an over-exaggeration. You can imagine how shocked and embarrassed he was, when I introduced myself to him at the end of the service! Needless to say, I never went back. But the sting and hurt of rejection was still bitterly felt by the pastor and the man’s family, many years later.
Being judged in a court of law or by God himself is a different matter entirely. We are a country and a society governed by the rule of law, going back to the foundation of our nation, which was mostly settled by our Christian ancestors. We are taught the notion of right from wrong from day one, and once again, this goes back to the book of Genesis, with the temptation by satan and the downfall of man and woman in the garden of Eden, and also in Exodus, when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments from God, on Mount Sinai. Without rules, we would most surely fail as a nation and a people, similar to what is currently happening in many countries and cultures around the globe. In this life and the next, we will most surely be judged for what we have thought, said and done as well as for what we have not. My point is that there is certainly a need for rules and standards and not everything is relative. There are some absolutes in life.
Critical and hurtful judgement, however, can be very damaging to the human psyche, especially for children, who are often at the mercy of others. The same can be said for many women and even men, who are the targets of abuse, especially those caught up in a violent domestic situation. When we are suffering and going through the worst of it, we often try to cover up the failings and shortcomings in a marriage or other relationship, trying to appear “normal”, like our family and friends. When the truth finally comes out, it is difficult NOT to feel judged by others, for the circumstances that we find ourselves in. Most people will be helpful and supportive, which means everything to the victims of intimate partner violence, however, there are some who will criticize us to our face, or more often, talk about us behind our back. Regretfully, many of these people call themselves Christians. Why do those few choose to blame the victim, instead of placing the blame where it rightly belongs, on the perpetrator of the crime? A close family member once said to me that “it takes two” for a relationship to fail; this after that person knew that my children and I had been living in an alcoholic home for many years. Why do people who have healthy, happy relationships sometimes lack empathy for those who don’t? There is no easy answer to that one. A good friend also told me that I was telling “my truth” in writing my memoir, which made me wonder if she really believed me or not. Perhaps I was feeling too sensitive, and it was just a poor choice of words on her part.
Over time, I have learned to hold my head up high and have mostly forgiven myself for my own omissions and mistakes. This year, in 2024, let’s try to accept others where they are at and not place blame where it does not belong. In fact, let’s try to not blame others at all and instead, offer love and mercy to all of our neighbours, friends and family alike. As Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you”. (Matthew 7:1-2)
Amen!
